Thursday, 30 September 2010


All this stuff on the news tonight. Banks being given money, rows of empty houses and the all usual moaning.

Look, it's fucking simple. Leprechauns, I tell ya. How lucky is is that they've got them? And Guinness. Pot 'o' gold at the end of every rainbow, so all they need to do is get the leprechauns to fetch the fucker and hand it in to save the country.

Either that, or if they won't give it voluntarily, tax the little green-hatted fuckers. Yep, simple, they're creating wealth for the country by finding pots 'o' gold so it's only fair that they pay their taxes. Let's see them doing a merry jig after getting a tax bill.

Just like the others taxed into exile (Where are you now, Leprechaun Bono?), the wealth creating leprechauns will soon fuck off. And those leprechauns whose pots of gold were found at the end of the European Bank development rainbow, well let's see how they get on now, shall we?

Tonight's prayer

Dear Lord,

Thank you for creating lesbian porn.


Wednesday, 29 September 2010

There's gold in them there hills

It's black, gold is. Isn't it?

I bought fifty kilos of the stuff today. 'Smokeless coal' it said on the thick, white polythene bags - obviously they disguise it so you can get home without getting mugged for your precious cargo. Nineteen pounds and fifty pence for two bags of coal for fuck's sake. Three-hundred-and-ninety quid a tonne.

All I have to do now is fit CCTV, security lights and get a staffordshire terrier to guard the coal store. That's if I can find a Staffordshire Terrier that isn't clamped to a baby's face of course.

Still, having received a three-hundred-and-sixty quid for a quarter gas bill last winter I'm going to persevere. I'm not sure what will burn without emitting poisonous gas into the house but I'm about to find out. Library books (in the wife's name), road kill, politicians and even the Avon Lady can fucking kiss goodbye to those silly brochures she keeps sticking through the letterbox. Fuck it, I might even invite the Jehovah's around as they should burn well with all those copies of Watchtower on board.

I did enquire about a buying a few bags of anthracite but when you get the reply "that can be hard to light unless you work at it" you have to wonder what the fuck is the point of a ten pound bag of coal that's a pisser to light. I've got some bricks out the back, maybe I should spray them black and sell them as coal. Might be a bit tricky to light but if you work at it..