Wednesday, 29 September 2010

There's gold in them there hills

It's black, gold is. Isn't it?

I bought fifty kilos of the stuff today. 'Smokeless coal' it said on the thick, white polythene bags - obviously they disguise it so you can get home without getting mugged for your precious cargo. Nineteen pounds and fifty pence for two bags of coal for fuck's sake. Three-hundred-and-ninety quid a tonne.

All I have to do now is fit CCTV, security lights and get a staffordshire terrier to guard the coal store. That's if I can find a Staffordshire Terrier that isn't clamped to a baby's face of course.

Still, having received a three-hundred-and-sixty quid for a quarter gas bill last winter I'm going to persevere. I'm not sure what will burn without emitting poisonous gas into the house but I'm about to find out. Library books (in the wife's name), road kill, politicians and even the Avon Lady can fucking kiss goodbye to those silly brochures she keeps sticking through the letterbox. Fuck it, I might even invite the Jehovah's around as they should burn well with all those copies of Watchtower on board.

I did enquire about a buying a few bags of anthracite but when you get the reply "that can be hard to light unless you work at it" you have to wonder what the fuck is the point of a ten pound bag of coal that's a pisser to light. I've got some bricks out the back, maybe I should spray them black and sell them as coal. Might be a bit tricky to light but if you work at it..


  1. We burn anything that crosses our path. Plastic is quite good as long as its a windy day and no-one can tell where the smell is coming from. How's that for recycling!!

  2. Great for starting a fire too is plastic. Starts anything....even an old brick.