Saturday, 12 March 2011


Yes, it's my fucking birthday soon.

And guess what my old man got me? A crown of rhubarb and a bag of compost, and I'm talking proper fucking compost.

The worst of it is, I am now a Gardener. Yes, I've hardened the fucking rhubarb off and I'm getting ready to plant it out in a week or so.

Then, I dug out a fucking shitty old rockery that had filled with weeds and cat shit, as only a rockery can. It was that solidly built I thought I was excavating a fucking pyramid, via the centre of the earth. A fucking 6" concrete foundation with broken slabs thrown into piles glued together with cryptonite.

Now, I've even seeded the bastard patch of earth with grass seed, and the worst bit, once I'd done it, purely by guessing, I looked up how to and I'd actually done it bang on. Fuck me, this gardening lark must be in my blood, passed down by the old man.

Now what worried me was not this fact, the fact that I've avoided gardening for a huge number of years, but the cunt that served me in Wilkos. I handed him a 500g bag of "luxury" grass seed and it was all the cunt could do to lift it, I kid you not. I've seen more muscle on a fucking stick insect, the cunt was useless, the draught of the fat bird in the queue nearly blew his of his fucking chair. Usual modern day future human being, trousers hanging round his arse, stupid fucking haircut greased across his pasty complexion. He tried to lift a pack of carrier bags and I thought the cunt's arm was going to break.

And I thought to myself, that skinny wanker needs the same treatment as my rhubarb, hardening off. And I don't mean in a 'hard, ffnaar way, just a quick stint in a boot camp or 5 years in a south American jail, that sort of hardening off, where he has to actually be able to lift a shank and do more than just piss someone off with it..

Gok Wan, hang your fucking greasy head in shame.

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